What is an appropriate sympathy gift?

Flowers or a plant, food for the household such as a fruit basket or a frozen meal, a memorial keepsake, a donation in the person's name, or a specific offer of practical help. Check the obituary first: if the family asked for donations in lieu of flowers, do that.

Is it okay to send a sympathy gift instead of flowers?

Yes. Food, keepsakes, donations and practical help are all welcome, and for Jewish families sitting shiva, food is customary rather than flowers.

How long after a death can you send a sympathy gift?

There is no deadline. A gift weeks or months later, or at the first Christmas, birthday or anniversary of the death, often means more because most support has fallen away by then.

Should sympathy flowers go to the funeral home or the house?

Larger arrangements for the service go to the funeral home, with the name of the deceased and the funeral home name. Smaller vase arrangements and plants are better sent to the family's home.

How much should I spend on a sympathy gift?

There is no expected amount. A note that shares a real memory of the person matters more than the price, and groups of friends or coworkers often send one gift together.

Sympathy Gift Ideas: What to Send When Someone Is Grieving

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When someone you care about loses a person they love, the urge to send something is the right one. Nothing you send will fix it, and nobody expects it to. A sympathy gift says "I know, and I'm thinking of you," and in the first weeks after a death that matters a great deal.

The gifts that help most tend to be practical, things that take a job off a grieving family's hands, or lasting, things that keep a memory close. Here's how to choose, with a note on timing that most people miss.

First, check the obituary

Before you choose anything, read the obituary or funeral notice. If the family has written "in lieu of flowers, donations to" a particular charity, that is what they've asked for, and a donation in the person's name is the most thoughtful gift you can give. Most charities will send the family a card letting them know about it.

Sympathy flowers and plants

Flowers are still the most common sympathy gift, and for good reason: they arrive ready, they fill a quiet house, and they say something when words are hard. Where you send them matters. Arrangements for the service go to the funeral home, with the name of the deceased and the funeral home's name, and our sympathy and funeral flowers include sprays, wreaths and baskets made for that. For the family at home, a smaller vase arrangement or a plant is easier to live with. If you're not sure which suits the occasion, our guide to what kind of flowers to send for a funeral goes through it.

Plants are worth a special mention. Cut flowers last a week or two; a plant lasts for years, and many people keep a sympathy plant as a living reminder. The peace lily is the traditional choice, and a dish garden of mixed green plants is another. One caution: peace lilies irritate a cat's mouth if chewed, so for a family with a cat a rose arrangement is the kinder choice (our guide to flowers safe for cats explains why white lilies in particular are a real danger).

Food for a house full of people

In the days after a death, a family's house fills with relatives and visitors who all need feeding, at exactly the moment nobody has the energy to cook. Food is one of the most useful things you can send.

A fruit basket. Easy to graze on, nothing to prepare. Our Thoughtful Gesture fruit basket is delivered by a local florist, and the fruit and flowers basket combines both.
A meal they can freeze. Drop it off in a disposable container with the reheating instructions written on the lid, so nobody has to return a dish.
A meal train or grocery delivery. If friends are organising meals, join in. If you're far away, a gift card for a local restaurant or grocery delivery does the same job.

Customs differ, and it's worth knowing the main one: Jewish families sitting shiva don't traditionally receive flowers. Food, and especially fruit baskets, are the customary gift instead.

Keepsakes that last

A memorial keepsake gives the family something to hold onto long after the flowers are gone. Choose something modest that fits the person who'll live with it.

A memorial wind chime. One of the most popular sympathy gifts, for someone with a garden, porch or balcony. Many, like this memorial wind chime with a card, come engraved with a short verse.
A memorial ornament. The first Christmas after a death is often the hardest. An ornament such as this "Christmas in Heaven" empty chair ornament gives the person they lost a place on the tree.
A framed photo. If you have a picture of the person the family may not have seen, print and frame it. It is often the gift people treasure most.
A donation in their name, to a cause they cared about, even when the obituary doesn't ask for one.

Gifts for the person who is grieving

Sometimes the gift is for the mourner themselves, not the household. Books about grief can be a comfort to someone who reads, and an unwelcome assignment to someone who doesn't, so give one with a light touch. It's OK That You're Not OK by psychotherapist Megan Devine is one of the most widely recommended, partly because it doesn't try to hurry anyone through grief. For someone who'd rather write than read, her guided journal How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed is a gentler option.

Comfort items work too: a soft throw, good tea, a candle. And the gift almost nobody regrets is a handwritten note that names the person who died and shares one specific memory of them.

Practical help is a gift too

"Let me know if you need anything" is kind, and almost nobody takes it up. A specific offer is much easier to accept: "I'll walk the dog every morning this week," "I'll pick the kids up from school on Thursday," "I'll shovel your driveway when it snows." Rides to appointments, help with paperwork, mowing the lawn or simply sitting with someone are all gifts, and often the ones they remember.

When to send a sympathy gift

The first week after a death is crowded with cards, casseroles and flowers. Then, around the time the funeral is over and everyone goes back to their lives, it stops, and that is often when grief is heaviest. A gift or a call at one month, three months, the first Christmas, the person's birthday or the first anniversary of their death lands at exactly the moment most support has fallen away.

If you missed the funeral, it isn't too late. Flowers or a plant sent to the home a few weeks later are just as welcome, sometimes more so.

What to write

Keep it short and sincere. Name the person who died, say you're sorry, and if you can, add one memory: "I'll always remember your dad's laugh at the cottage." Avoid explaining the loss ("everything happens for a reason") and let your words be about them. Our guide on what to write on funeral flowers has examples for different relationships, and our list of what to send instead of flowers has more ideas.

Sending sympathy flowers anywhere in Canada

Our sympathy flowers and sympathy plants are arranged and hand-delivered by a local florist near the family or the funeral home, for a flat $19.99 anywhere in the country. Order by 1:00 PM in the recipient's time zone, Monday to Saturday, for same-day delivery. For a funeral home delivery, include the name of the deceased and the funeral home; for a home delivery, the card message travels with the flowers.